i just hate you
Finally i am all caught up on here…
so now i can tell you how much i fucken hate everything again. Everything except my woman and our families. I know i have said some shit on here about hating a lot of things. I may have even said i was hating on you. But i really only feel like utter shit about one such instance. I was having a tough time in my perfect relationship which is exactly what was wrong. It was perfect so i was sure i should ruin it because what is great today will end tomorrow. Well honestly, the only real issue i have ever had with you Aggie is that even though we are perfect for each other, i will never feel like i am good enough for you. If i did, i would just give up. If i was good enough for you, i would be able to make cats grow from cookies, and still be deliciously edible. I could stop time and make squid and whales fuck to make squahale babies that would end war and hunger. Only a god (not even a demi god) is truly good enough for you. That being said i got over our last “break” when i got a job and could again afford to show you a good time. I know it is petty but when i couldn’t just show up with flowers when i felt like it, i just didn’t feel like a real man.
So why am i babbling about this now? well, while i was on my “must make Aggie see how much i love her” crusade, i fucked up big time. I totally chewed her sister out like a huge raving lunatic and really, for no just reason. I can defend my woman when some faggot musician gets too close to her at a bar and feels its ok to put his hand on her shoulder when he is talking to her. I can even punch a bear in the dick if it tried to eat her. But making her sister feel like shit for something she didn’t even consciously do, it was just beyond fucken words. I have been beating myself up for it since it happened over summer. Like the middle of June. I deserve it. I really do. Her brother came down and of course i was having a shitty work schedule and didn’t get to see him so i didn’t even get to get yelled at by him for it. I am still heartbroken that she thinks i hate her.
Amanda, if there is any way you are listening, Please know that i did not think about the reality of what i was saying in context to who i was saying it to. I love you like a little sister. I worry about you like you were my own flesh and blood. I care more about you and getting to know you than i do about my two biological sisters and i am so sorry i have not always conveyed that through our interactions. I love Aggie like i will never be able to put into words. She is someone who will never be able to do any wrong in my eyes. She cares so much about so many people that all i want in life is to make her smile and feel taken care of too. But i promise that i will never treat you like that again. No matter what is said or done between you and her, her and I, you and I, i will never again step over that line. You are an amazing person that i would be honored to get to know. I said what i said in a calculated attempt to get under your skin without thinking about whether or not I even had any right what so ever to do so. I did not. I stepped over your heart and into your head without thinking about how i would really affect you. I know you will not just brush this off, as i am sure i would not either. Knowing you would be a blessing after the bullshit that i spewed from my mouth that day. Please consider it though. Please just know that i did not mean a word of what was said and that if i could have that moment back before i hit “publish” i would erase every word of it. I cannot do that, but if you let me, i can show you that there are reasons why we are better off friends than enemies. I am nearly in tears at work writing this so i better get off before my coworkers realize that my eyes aren’t glossy from smoking. please let me know if there is a chance for us to start over. I would appreciate it more than words will ever be able to communicate.
Thank you for your time. If we can’t work this out between us, i will understand. If we can, i will never take this opportunity for granted as long as i live.
Sincerely,
James Edward Duffy
